I am Enough.

I had a surreal moment the other night that completely brought the emotions out of my body and violently into the space that surrounded me. I was completely alone and I let myself sob, tears flooding my face. I felt the rush of grief and sadness swallow my body as if I were a helpless child. And I didn't try to fight it. I let myself cry, and cry hard.

And then I started laughing. Not a dark and hollow laugh, but a real laugh that completely accepted my humanness. To be honest, it was beautiful. I was able to tangibly experience the voice inside of me and the thoughts that have been choking my confidence...and they just left my body. They just came flooding out.

Let me back up and try to start from the beginning. 

I have struggled with self confidence and self acceptance. This battle has been long, dark, and stormy, and it has taken me years and years to try to make sense of and come to terms with. I don't think I will ever be able to fully put words to what goes on inside of my mind and I rarely ever try to. Because that's the thing, I can't. None of it makes that much sense. 

There are a lot of things that have contributed to this battle, as is with every complex and intricate universe that is the story of our lives. I often lie awake and wonder about the colors that paint my story and my thoughts. I have a very beautiful and random pallet. However, I know that I can never truly share my art with another person without completely accepting and loving the colors I have been given. 

I started crying two nights ago, not because I was pitying myself or wishing people would like me, I cried because I am the one who needs to start loving myself.

The words that triggered my emotions were these. Read them slowly, and soak them in. Read them and weep if you have to, that's what I did. And it helped. It gave me strength. 

"It's hard to pinpoint the origin of shame, but it's easy to see the effect on us as women. Our eyes glance down instead of out, our heart races with nervousness instead of confidence, our speech is hindered instead of free flowing.

We filter.

We edit.

We hinder.

We water down.

Ourselves...

But imagine a world where we looked at the covers of magazines, the shiny teeth and silky hair of the advertisements of the word, and let those images roll off our backs like water. Imagine we could look in the mirror for a long, lasting moment, deep into our own eyes and say 'You are one of a kind, you are so pretty, you are just as ideal as you need to be.'

Darling, start today--don't wait until the day that you have all you 'supposedly need' in order to be content with yourself. We don't know if we even have tomorrow, and since today is the only gift you hold, why not live in a full culmination of your beauty?

The world around you needs you, it is better with you in it. Think of yourself and the rest of humanity each as a painting in a large gallery--we are all needed in order to make it complete."

Heck yeah. I cried. I cried for all of the times that I felt like I wasn't enough. I cried because of all of those times I stood staring at myself in the mirror wishing I were someone different, more this or more that. I cried because I know that all of those mean words that I used to listen to and take seriously just are not true. 

I immediately wrote that quote down and put it on my wall so that I can memorize it. I feel it too. In some ways, I think we all do. We are all terrified at the realities of who we are and who we are called to be. And yet, that is what connects us and makes us so human. Obviously, we all face things that no words can describe and whether or not you feel alone or in the dark, know that you are needed. You are enough. You are loved.

I know that this post is pretty emotional and a bit sappy. I also know it will not heal anyone and I doubt that a lot of people will even get this far and finish, but if you do, thank you for reading these small fragments of who I am. I want you to know that your scars and the battles you face are important and you deserve to be listened to and heard.

If there is one thing I got out of my experience this last week, it is that words have meaning. What we say and do does have an effect on the lives of those around us and on ourselves. We all deserve to be listened to. And most importantly, if there are people or things in your life that bring you down and plant negative thoughts into your mind, cut them out. 

What we feed ourselves (both food and materially) does affect how we treat ourselves and others. What you read, see, watch, who you hang out with, what you do, it affects your choices and who you are as an individual.

Take a step back and breathe. Shut off your phone for a few hours. Take time to slow down and appreciate the sacred rhythm of the people and things in your life. Don't let technology numb your emotions and your thoughts. I know I say this over and over, but I truly believe it with all my heart. Your phone should not replace or be the center of your life. If you find yourself mindlessly scrolling or sending meaningless pictures of your face in order to keep up snapchat streaks with human beings that you don't even speak to in real life, then maybe you should reassess your priorities. 

I think the reason I feel so in tune with myself and what I need right now is because I have given myself the time I need to step away from my phone and focus on things that are tangible. That are real. Conversations and connections that strengthen me. Books and music that gives me peace and revitalize my soul. 

Trust me, time can be cruel and heartless, but it can also allow growth, connection, and self-discovery. But you are in control with what you do with it. Like the quote above said, we don't know if we even have tomorrow, and since today is the only gift we have, why not live in a full culmination of our beauty and our worthiness? 

Life is real. And hard. And sometimes sucks. A lot. 

But it is also so beautiful. So intense. So colorful. And there are so many people and things out there that we have not yet met or experienced. 

But before we can love others and the world around us, we need to love ourselves. I say we, because yes, me too. I need to love myself. We need to recognize our dignity as human beings and individuals in order to fully allow the seeds we harvest to come to fruition. We need to give ourselves room to breathe, to live, to grow and heal.

I hope you read these words with an open heart. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. 

I want to wrap this up from a quote that I read today in the Gospel. Jesus says some people “look but they do not see and hear but do not listen or understand."

Once you start focusing on loving yourself and your dignity, you will start to truly see the immense treasure that you are to this world. Look and see. Listen and understand. :)